A Wondering Widow Post

Let’s talk about the D word.  No, not divorce. Not even death. I’m talking about dating–scarier than the other two combined, at least it can feel that way for a W. Ever wonder what it’s like for a W to go on a date? Grab a drink and lemme tell you. Take all the regular dating bull$hit and add a whole new layer of WTF.

Since I’m not the only W who has well-meaning friends and family encouraging us to get back on the horse or get back in the game,  I thought it would be a good time to explain a few things to you.

For those who may have forgotten, it is NEVER, EVER acceptable for you to voice an opinion on if and when your W decides to date. For non-W’s, you may be surprised how much thought goes into this process.  So much to consider, so many new rules, so many new risks. The longer you’ve been out of the game, the worse it is.  And while there are a lot of articles about widows dating and what to expect from both sides, most I’ve read make me shake my head and wonder who comes up with this $hit? Reading an advice column that instructs guys dating a widow on what to do/not to do to get the most mileage is enough to make you grab a box of cats and never leave your house again.

So once again I turned to the experts in The W Club for a few things a W should consider.

1. Readiness:

“Am I ready?” is a hard question to answer, but if you’ve been thinking about it, then you probably are.

2. The Kids:

If you have kids, that changes things.  They will have feelings and opinions. While those shouldn’t determine your decision, they are important. Sometimes push-back will come from your adult children or other family members. Try to remember that they are probably just being a bit over protective and that it’s not because they don’t want to you to be happy.  Over the last year, I had my  “I’m doing the best I can to figure out who I am supposed to be in this new post-Dan reality. I don’t need your approval, just your continued love and support,” speech ready to go if needed. Fortunately, I haven’t had to use it. Not once. I ❤️ my friends and family so much!

3. The New Rules:

The last time most of us went on a date you met people in real life, not on an app. Things have changed. When do you call? How many days do you wait?  Screw these stupid rules!  Life is too short, and we should be way past high school games.  Having said that, safety is still a priority. Be smart about the people you meet and the choices you make.

4. The Widow Hunters:

As a blogger who has been open about my grief journey, it’s not difficult for the Widow Hunters to find me. Although you’ll be found anyway if you have a social media presence. What’s a Widow Hunter? Those are the Quagmires of the world who actively seek out widows, whether it’s because of a mistaken perception of inheritance or a weird conquest thing, they are definitely out there. Giggity. And they make it hard for other guys to ask a W out because they don’t want to be perceived as THAT guy.  (Dear Nice Guys, please ask anyway).

5. Guilt:

If your date goes great, you may be hit with waves of guilt. Your brain knows you have nothing to feel guilty for, but your heart doesn’t quite get the memo. We’re not cheating on our spouses; they messed that up when they died. But since they are still a part of our daily lives it is hard to wrap your head and heart around it. God bless the good guys who are strong enough to handle this bizarre family tree.

6. The Fear:

What few people realize is that dating for a W includes a layer of fear, one we don’t often acknowledge to ourselves.  No, not fear of intimacy, although that’s a post for a different day. I’m talking about the fear of loving and losing again.  See what I mean about the whole extra layer of WTF? Imagine setting up your first date, only to have your fear center take over your brain and drag it down a wormhole of future painful what-ifs.  For example, OMG what if the date goes well? What if I like him? What if it turns into a relationship? What if it turns into love? WHAT IF HE DIES? HOW WILL I SURVIVE THIS A SECOND TIME?

If you’ve never had anyone die on you, it may seem ridiculous that this thought would consciously (or unconsciously) cross your mind. But our fears are shaped by our experiences, and all W’s have this one under our belts.  Again, God bless the good guys who are strong and confident enough to date a widow and all the widows who are brave enough to open their hearts to the possibility of loving again.

And, as always, special thanks to the members of The W Club for their insight and contributions to this post.

XOXO,

The Wandering Widow